False Advertising
by Ellcrys
Summary: A comingout story... but not quite the normal kind.
1. False Advertising

_**Disclaimer:**  
- Characters are property of Yasuko Aoike - who I'm rather sure never would have expected this story with these characters.  
- I have a tendancy to hate it when fans randomly take characters who are enthusiastically straight and turn them gay. And that was the subject on my mind when I got a particularly weird idea... If you like that particularly weird idea, you can stop at the end of this chapter. If you don't like it, go on to the next. ;)  
- First Eroica fic. I'll have something less absurd later. ...Well, not less absurd, because it's Eroica, and therefore absurd by default. Less, uh, unlikely._

* * *

**False Advertising**

When he opened the door to his hotel room, only to find Eroica standing there, he very nearly slammed it in the man's face. That queer knew perfectly well that he was on a mission - and that he wasn't interested in any perverted sort of rendezvous even if he weren't! Klaus had told him so repeatedly, and yet the degenerate kept coming back for more, as if something might have changed.

Before Klaus had decided whether he should go with his instincts and slam the door, or if he should snap something rude at Eroica and _then_ slam the door, that split second allowed something to register. Eroica looked... serious. That gave Klaus enough pause to think things through further; it occurred to him that not only did Eroica never show up for these propositions looking serious, but he never knocked at the door. It was more in line with his unsavory profession to let himself into the room, usually while Klaus wasn't there, and make himself comfortable with an infuriating smile. Eroica certainly was not smiling now.

Something had changed after all, it seemed. As Klaus narrowed his eyes, trying to imagine what he must be plotting - not that he wanted to know what on earth went on in Eroica's foppish head when the things he said out loud were disgusting enough - Eroica spoke. Hesitantly, at that. "May I come in, Major?"

"No!" Klaus snapped before he could stop himself, purely out of habit. At the look on Eroica's face, however, he paused. It reminded him of that time in Rome, out in the woods, when he'd held a gun mere centimeters from the thief's head, ready to pull the trigger.

That anxious but resigned look had haunted him for months afterward, as much as he'd hated to admit it.

This time, with a sigh, he lowered the guns again - he made his tone marginally less hostile, though he didn't stand aside from the doorway. "What nonsense brings you to my hotel room this time?" he growled. "I'm not interested in your perverted offers, and you know it."

"I do." The soft answer surprised Klaus. "Please, may I come in? I'd like to talk to you about something."

Eroica looked nothing like his usual arrogant self, aside from the flashy clothing and ridiculous hair - his blue eyes were downcast until the last plea, and then they were more earnest than Klaus had ever seen them. Not that that was hard to manage, when usually they were flashing with mischief.

"What kind of trick are you trying to play on me this time?" Klaus demanded after a moment, far too wary of the man's games to take his seriousness at face value. "Just because you're being polite doesn't mean I want to do perverse things with you any more than I did before!"

Eroica nodded. "I know. I suppose I can't blame you for being suspicious after my behavior all this time - but among the things I wanted to say... I wanted to offer an apology. I truly do apologize, Major, for bothering you so frequently and unsubtly. I know I was an annoyance."

...He still looked sincere. Perfectly so. Klaus peered at him, wondering just how good an actor the man was. He'd always been dramatic enough...

Finally, he stepped back from the door. "Not that I believe you mean it, but I'll listen to what you have to say. Say anything I don't like, though," he warned as Eroica's eyes widened hopefully, "and I'll toss you out. Maybe not through the door."

Eroica breathed a small laugh, and smiled. It wasn't the secretive, suggestive little smirk that Klaus normally identified with the man, but rather one of utter relief. He looked almost like a different person - if a different person would dress as ridiculously as Eroica did, or have so much obnoxious blond curly hair. "Sit down," Klaus grudgingly invited him, seating himself on the other side of the small table from where he had indicated. Just because Eroica seemed to be acting like a civilized human being didn't mean that he wouldn't prefer keeping a piece of furniture between them at all times.

For Eroica's part, he continued to behave, seating himself with a murmur of thanks and folding his hands upon the table before him. Clenching them, really - he seemed truly nervous to Klaus. Far more nervous than he'd ever seen Eroica before. "What is it?" he asked, impatient, when Eroica said nothing.

There was a little sheepish smile as the thief stared down at his hands. "I'm not sure where to begin."

"The beginning," Klaus told him. "Whatever you have to say, go ahead and say it." Realizing that he probably wasn't helping, he added "I'll either hear you out or _throw_ you out, regardless of how or when you say it, so there's no point in making this more difficult." Not that he was trying to be reassuring or anything. Not where Eroica was involved.

"Fair enough..." Eroica paused again, then lifted his eyes to Klaus' face, looking him in the eye. "Would you believe me if I told you I'd only ever slept with one man before in my life?"

Klaus' eyebrows shot up, and he stood. "Out!" he shouted, pointing at the door.

Eroica went alarmingly pale. "What? No, listen-"

"Did you think I'd take pity on you for being unable to wallow in perversity on a regular basis?" Klaus demanded. "That I'd indulge your poor deprived libido, no matter how warped it is? I knew you were just playing games again. Get out!"

"No, no!" Eroica insisted, holding up his hands in helpless innocence. "I wasn't trying to... Major, please, listen to what I have to say!"

"I don't want to hear about your sex life, or the lack thereof," Klaus snapped.

"You said I should start at the beginning, so I did," Eroica protested - and even through his rage, Klaus could see a telltale glisten in Eroica's eyes. He really _was_ upset about the reaction he'd caused. "The beginning and the end are very different."

"Maybe I'd like the end better, then," Klaus retorted.

"Very well." Eroica folded his hands on the tabletop again, biting his lip. "...I'm not gay."

Klaus, who had not actually expected to like the end any better than he'd liked the beginning, did a double-take. "...What?"

"I am not gay," Eroica repeated, slow and clear, looking up at Klaus soberly. "That is why I came to apologize."

After another few stunned moments, Klaus thought to sit back down. This... didn't make any sense. How could a flamboyant, flaming fop like Dorian Red Gloria _not_ be a queer? Never mind all the disturbing ways in which the man had made passes at him for the entire duration of their acquaintance, and the happy band of faggots he worked with. It was... it... It threw off Klaus' entire world view for the moment, for some annoying reason.

Obviously Eroica saw his confusion, because he sat back in his chair. "Will you listen to my story?"

Klaus nodded slightly, still turning this idea over and over in his head and failing to find an angle at which it made sense. It was like that absurd picture Eroica had shown him once with all the staircases that seemed to go places they couldn't possibly go - Escher, wasn't it? Klaus had stated that the artist must not have been very talented, if he couldn't manage proper perspective and keep in mind which direction was up even in his own work, and Eroica had just sighed as if this logical conclusion was shameful.

"As I said - and please don't shout at me again, Major - I've only slept with another man once, when I was thirteen years old," Dorian began. "He was a friend of Father's - Father was a homosexual, and had many friends whose tastes ran the same. Lord Price was one of the more unpleasant ones, he had an eye for young boys rather than men." Dorian wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I didn't mind so much that he propositioned me, or at least not so much that I wouldn't go to his house to see his glorious collection of artwork. After all, he never forced himself on me when I said no - no doubt he knew I'd tell Father, and Father would have him... financially and socially ruined at the least, possibly disposed of for good. But he knew, also, that I'd had my eye on a particular painting of his for years. He offered it to me, if I would sleep with him. I accepted."

Uncertain whether he was disgusted by the way Eroica had been so casual about sex as to sell his body even as a child, or disgusted by the thought of a grown man coercing a child into having sex with him by offering him bribes, Klaus just stared. Either way, he was disgusted, and he reached into his shirt pocket. He desperately needed some nicotine to deal with this conversation.

"I think you have the right idea," Eroica murmured, seeing him pull out a cigarette. "May I?"

For a moment, Klaus froze, not sure what Eroica meant. Then he realized; feeling like an idiot, he held the pack out to Eroica.

"Thank you," the thief replied, taking the lighter as well once Klaus was finished. "It's not a pleasant thing for me to talk about either. At any rate," he continued once the cigarette was lit, "I never found Lord Price attractive, or felt attracted to him in any way. But even so, it's not as if it was an entirely unpleasant experience - from a strictly physical standpoint, penetration via the anus allows access to-"

"Enough," Klaus interrupted, his voice tight.

Dorian laughed softly, self-consciously. "I apologize. The point is that despite the fact that I wasn't attracted to him, it did have a certain element to it that was enjoyable. He did make me-"

"I'll throw you out," Klaus growled ominously. Dorian laughed softly again and nodded, covering his face with one hand.

"Right. So here I was at thirteen years old, having just slept with an older man and not having found it entirely repulsive, except for the particular man I was with. My father, who I greatly admired for his determination to live life with no regrets and the exciting lifestyle he was a part of, was openly gay. Most of his friends, including the ones I found extremely interesting, were also openly gay - and that fantastic free-wheeling lifestyle that I found so exciting, it was all tied up in his homosexuality. I wanted to be a part of that - I wanted to be like Father. _Father_ wanted me to be like him, as opposed to the prudish attitude of my mother and sisters. And keep in mind that all the women who had played a large role in my life, to that point, had looked down on him, and upon me in turn. Once they left us, we men could live free and do as we pleased, without the need for women at all. It was Father and myself alone - except for his many gay friends, who accepted us as we were."

Klaus nodded slowly. In a strange sort of way, he could understand how this could lead to someone believing that they were... well, like _that_. Or at least _wanting_ to be like that. ...Except that he still couldn't imagine anyone _actually_ wanting to be like that, when the act was perverse and the lifestyle was pointlessly frivolous.

"So I identified as a homosexual myself. It was great fun to be accepted into Father's world, to be embraced despite any irregularities because I was _one of them_. But as younger men, like me - sons or nephews or friends of the older men - began to mix into the crowd, they were more likely to proposition me. Some of them became dear friends. James, for instance. But I never accepted their offers, casual as the arrangements often were. I... liked them a great deal more than I had liked Lord Price, but... physically, none of them aroused me, as much as I would tease that they did. I wanted to wait for someone I was genuinely attracted to. ...It never occurred to me that that person might be a woman, because in the world of gay men, one does not come into close contact with many women."

For once, Klaus could follow the direction of Eroica's thoughts. "But eventually you did."

"Yes," Eroica agreed. "Eventually I became part of another close-knit community, though a more dangerous one. Some of Father's friends were also involved with the black market, and they helped me to get a foothold as Eroica. Give the next generation an in before they retired, they said. The criminal underground, as you know, prefers to operate in places that the morally upright will avoid, for obvious reasons. So I found myself one night in a 'gentleman's club', as they call them. A dirty little place where women danced. ...I'd never seen anything like this before - the only naked women I'd ever seen in my life were in classical paintings."

"Huh." Klaus considered this. "And those naked women aren't the least bit attractive, definitely not in a seductive way..."

"They're beautiful, from an artistic perspective," Eroica answered, looking injured at the insult to his artwork. Apparently the man's bad taste hadn't changed, Klaus thought. "You're correct that they are not meant for seduction, however. So I was sitting at this table in the club, looking at the women on stage, and... well, even without direct physical stimulation, I felt myself getting-"

"Right through the window," Klaus reminded him abruptly, and Eroica flushed.

"Anyhow, I wasn't pleased with this revelation. It threw off everything I believed about myself, and the life I was making for myself." With a heavy sigh, he leaned forward, resting his chin in his hands. "If I wasn't gay, then I'd been an imposter for most of my life. Would Father's friends still be so willing to help me with this budding career of mine if they knew I was different? What about the men I'd hand-picked as part of my entourage - James, Bonham, all the rest? Would they continue to trust me and respect me if I wasn't like them? If they found out that I was only masquerading as a gay man to fit within the lifestyle? I couldn't possibly stop pretending, not then - and by the time Eroica was established enough to able to operate on his own, it was a part of the persona. You can't change a persona just like that, especially not in this business... You'll make people suspicious."

"All the more reason one shouldn't take part in illegal activities, then," Klaus said flatly. He certainly didn't feel sympathy for Eroica's confusion and confliction. Of course not. How could he feel sympathy for a perverted gay thief? ...Er, a thief. Right.

"That's one thing about my life that I wouldn't change in the least," Eroica replied simply. "I have always wholeheartedly loved great works of art, and the thrill of acquisition. I can't stop being the internationally reknowned art thief Eroica just because I discovered that I prefer women to men. It's where my heart lies."

Which made sense to Klaus, surprisingly enough. Sometimes, in the darkest parts of the night, he had wondered - if Eroica was right about him, what would happen? Nothing would happen, he'd decided; his personal life meant nothing next to his career in NATO, and that he would protect at all costs.

"And that's why I came to you to talk, rather than one of my men," Eroica said finally. "I can't let on to them, but you - you've always hated that part of me. I know we've never precisely been _friends_, but of all the people I know... you're the only one I know who I was sure wouldn't feel less respect for me if you knew that I was straight."

Klaus raised his cigarette to his lips again, thoughts whirling. He wasn't one to think about how he _felt_, but as for what he thought about the thief, this ancient thorn in his side... He wasn't quite sure how his opinions about Eroica had changed with this admission.

There was one thing he desperately wanted to know, however. "If you weren't gay, why have you been flirting with me all the time we knew each other? Why did you pursue me so... obnoxiously?"

"At first, it was just to annoy you." The knowing smirk that Klaus normally associated with Eroica made its first appearance of the night; it was almost a relief. "Then I found that despite our differences, I liked you. I respected you. You were so... _good_. ...And I believed that if I could ever fall in love with another man, it would be you. So I tried. With all that was within me, I tried to believe."

Klaus made himself bite back the defensive words. After all, Eroica was saying now that he _didn't_ love him. Which was a gigantic relief... or so he thought it should be. Perhaps he just hadn't worked it all the way through his head yet, and was still unable to believe the words Eroica had just said.

"Again, I wanted to apologize for making myself such a bother," Eroica told him, once again serious. "I can't apologize for my illegal activities as Eroica, for that's the life I live - but as for my unwanted actions towards you, I can't apologize _enough_ for making you uncomfortable. As you are now aware, I am all too familiar with being pressured into feeling things that I simply do not feel."

Klaus nodded slightly, unable to think of what else he could do. This was not possible. But it was a good thing. Surely it was a good thing, no matter how shocked he was at the moment. When the shock wore off, he would consider it a good thing, surely. Anything that made Eroica feel miserable was a good thing, besides. Except that if Eroica was apologizing for all he'd done...

"So this is the end of your flirting."

Eroica nodded. "Yes."

Klaus nodded back. "...All right."

...He had no idea where to go from there.

Luckily, Eroica seemed to be better with serious personal conversations and expressions of remorse than he was, and reached across the table to clasp his hand tightly between both of his, eyes shining. Klaus reminded himself that it was not a come-on, and allowed it. "Thank you, Major, for allowing me to come clean about this. I appreciate the fact that you listened to me after all I've put you through."

Klaus stared into those shining eyes. This wasn't Eroica flirting - this was just... Dorian. He swallowed hard. "...You're welcome."

Dorian flashed him a smile, and let go to stub out the remnants of his cigarette in the ashtray. "I suppose I'll be off, then. I have places to be..."

Something abruptly occurred to Klaus - Eroica was in the same city he was overseeing tightened security in - and he frowned. "You're not here on business, are you?"

"I've told you enough of my secrets tonight, Major," Dorian replied, impish, as he stood to go. "Don't think that you'll get any more out of me."

The door closed behind the mane of golden hair, and Klaus realized just too late that he'd forgotten to shout at Eroica to stay out of his way and not steal anything as he usually would have.

The particularly frustrating part was what he'd been distracted by. He was absolutely sure that he should not pity Eroica. Definitely not for taking a bribe for sex - gay sex at that - or pretending to be queer. People like that deserved what they got. And he certainly shouldn't _empathize_ with Dorian's desire to be like the father he loved and respected, to please the society that had supported him - or his worries that exposing his true feelings would destroy the career that meant so much to him. The former Lord Gloria had apparently been a fruit too - er, not 'too', Klaus corrected himself - and Dorian's career was the kind of thing Klaus spent his life trying to eradicate. He should not feel this strange feeling, sort of an empty ache, at the thought that Eroica was not going to try to seduce him any longer.

Most of all, when he'd found Eroica looking at him with blue eyes sparkling, hands clasping his as he smiled in relief, Klaus knew he should _definitely_ not have had the urge to kiss him.

Damn that thief, Klaus thought as he lit another cigarette with a suddenly shaking hand - he wasn't even being a perverted queer for the first time in his life, and yet his timing was worse than ever.


	2. Optional epilogue!

The next night, there was another knock on the hotel room door. Klaus sincerely hoped it was not one of his men checking on him, due to his exhaustion and an abnormal level of grouchiness even for him, all that day. He knew they'd noticed - they'd been watching him out of the corner of their eyes all day, except for the times when he caught them at it and informed them they wouldn't be able to look at him like that all the way from Alaska.

But then, if he was hoping it wasn't one of his men checking up on him, who was he hoping it _would_ be? The only other person he could have expected was Eroica - who was now standing in the hallway again, this time looking much more relaxed than he had the night before. He was even smiling.

Normally, that would have been the cue that it was a good time to slam the door in his face. Klaus didn't understand any of his thoughts towards the man at the moment - including why he didn't do just that, but instead muttered, "What now?"

"I forgot something."

Dorian's eyes sparkled in a very thought-provoking way as Klaus stepped aside to let him in. "...Fine."

Klaus stayed where he was and just watched as Dorian glanced around the room, even bent down to look under the table. In very tight pants. He never would have dared to bend over in pants that tight. Especially not around Dorian - a man who from all appearances had wanted to sodomize him.

...He was not comparing himself to Eroica.

Dorian hummed thoughtfully, looking slightly puzzled. "What is it you think you forgot?" Klaus asked brusquely.

"Maybe I didn't forget anything after all..." Dorian mused. "You didn't come up with anything unexpected after my visit last night, did you?"

"...No." He'd found no personal possessons that didn't belong to him, but that was still an utter lie.

"Hmm..." Hands on hips, Dorian glanced around the room a little more, then smiled as his eyes turned towards where Klaus was standing by the door. "Oh - I know what it was," he said, stepping towards him.

"What?" If not for the revelation, Klaus would have thought he was going to... try something. Since he wasn't - because Dorian wasn't actually gay - Klaus didn't back away. That would be silly. So were the thoughts in his head.

"This."

Klaus was wrong, and yet right at the same time. Dorian's arms wound around him, his body pressed them up against the wall. His mouth was against Klaus' lips - and since Klaus had been telling himself firmly that he did not need these defenses any longer, they weren't there. He was kissing back. Soon, his hands were on Dorian's waist. It wasn't long at all before his body was... doing things that he would have thrown Eroica out the window for talking about.

"What is this?" he gasped in disbelief when Dorian broke the kiss to turn them and push him towards the bed. "You... you said..."

Dorian smiled exactly the kind of smile that Klaus always associated with Eroica. "I had a feeling that arousing your sympathies might arouse you in other ways."

"...You lied."

"Darling, I'm a _thief_. I lie all the time, and I'm very good at it - though there _was_ a great deal of truth in the story I told you. But honestly, now - how could you possibly believe that I'd only ever slept with one man in my entire life when I'm able to turn you on with just a kiss?"

"...You fucking bastard!" Klaus hissed.

"Good to see that one of us speaks the truth." Dorian pushed him down on the bed.


End file.
